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Making First Contact

This is the story of how we made contact with a Human in order to help us survive.

It was quite obvious that we could not be wandering around on the surface of the planet among the Humans. We needed one human to carry out what was necessary. Once defined, I used the criteria to choose a number of candidates and observe them in their daily lives for some time, always looking for the appropriate indicators. I found it strangely comforting that when I finely found the right one, he turned out to be pretty much of a misfit among humans.

When I had made my decision I put together a report and presented it to the rest of the crew at our weekly meeting in the common area. I was not surprised when I immediatly began to take a lot of flack from just about everyone. The responses were typical for example, Chief Rain Cloud became upset about the creator's peculiar background saying "Have you lost all mental capacity? This is a dangerous creature, he makes that farmer look like a sweet little human baby." ( referring to my first attempt at contact where a farmer shot me with a load of buckshot for trespassing.)

You will understand that I was more than a little apprehensive and thus I had to work hard at controling my skin colors. This then is how it went.

When I appeared beside the human he jerked and as he did, the vehicle moved suddenly and he had to focus on that activity for a moment until he had regained control. But once this was accomplished he glanced over at me a few times while saying nothing. Finely he said, "Ya know, it's customary to call ahead. One reason for this is so you don't scare the holy crap out of someone."

"I am sorry, but I felt that I needed to test you right from the start." At which point he leaned over and glanced under my hood and said,"Well, just to verify what your mode of transportation already leads me to suspect, your not from around here are you?" and I responded, "No, I come from very far away, but I have been living here for the last 10 years." and he said, "Well how can that be, you don't even know the standard protocol for alien behavior. I would have thought that there existed a standard instruction manual on alien obductions. Did you loose your copy or what?"

In time I came to realize that this was one of the weirder charecter traits of the creator known as sarcasm, but right then I was completly at a loss to understand what he was refering to. He realized this and asked, "Have you been studying us for 10 years?" and I said "Yes." and at this he moved his head from side to side, took a deep breath, let it out, and said, "Have you ever considered adjusting your study techniques?"

I was still at a loss and seeing this his eyes softened and he said, "OK, what's on your mind, how can I help you?" this was much better and I began to relax a little and I explained the whole situation to him, he listened carefully and occasionlly asked questions until I finished saying, "So, that's just about the whole story and we're hoping you can help us." I watched and waited while he thought things over, (at least that's what I was hoping he was doing) he would sometimes move his head from side to side as he did earlier and take these deep breaths. He also talked apparently to himself in a much lowered tone as if he was having a conversation with himself. (I learned much later when I had the opportunity to meet his 14 year old daughter, that this was another of his signature behaviors. His daughter told me that it indicates one of two things, either he is frustrated with you or (as she put it) he's going to go for the okydoke.

The Story Continues

I asked her what that meant and she smiled and said, "It means you've won." But at the time I didn't know what to make of all this.
Finelly he said, "Well even if I can't take you guys as dependents on my income tax, the whole idea appeals to my sense of humor. Not only that but I'm a licensed real estate agent and a loan agent and I don't see why I can't take you and the crew on as clients. Now, you and the entire crew need to understand that this is a business arrangement and you'll all have to sign a contract to that effect. I don't provide services for free, at least most of the time. And I certainly don't build websites for free, well, most of the time. Of course, being an agent I don't get paid until I provide solutions to the clients problems and I can build the website on spec."

I wasen't sure if he was actually talking to me or still talking to himself but after he answered a few of my questions, I felt that we were making progress. I asked him if he would be willing to visit the ship and meet the rest of the crew and to my surprise he said, "Sure, but let me put the website together and do some thinking about marketing strategies first." and he then asked me if we could setup a way to call him on his cell phone and I told him that I would ask Jumpin Jack Flash about it. He looked at me and took a deep breath and let it out. "Jumpin.....Jack.....Flash....?" and I said, "Yes he's the artificial intelligence on the ship." And he said as he massaged his forehead, "Yes, of course. And your name is?" "I'm called Get Back Lo-ret-ta." Another deep breath in and out and he said, "O...K... then. It's a pleasure to meet you Loretta. Now, between now and when I come visit the ship, you all might want to brush up on proper alien abduction procedures. Just punch it into google."
And at that point I signalled Ghost to bring me back.

Back aboard the Ghost, I was excited and proud of myself for sucessfully making contact with a member of the indiginous species of this world. I was surprised however to realize that the entire crew was so interested in how my mission turned out. They all crowded around me asking multitudes of questions. Was I afraid? What was it like? What was he like? Will he help us? and I told them everything that transpired and after things settled down a bit I suggested that we start doing some research on the strange things he had mentioned, like contracts, business, what is an agent, what is marketing s strategy, clients, taxes etc.
So far, we have been unable to locate a standard instruction manual for alien obductions and google was inconclusive.